Man…
I can’t make sense of anything anymore. New Mexico? Las Cruces??
I left Japan behind.
A week before my girlfriend and I broke up, I had this strange dream.
We were riding an old train together. When it stopped at a station, she stepped off and disappeared into the crowd. I panicked and chased after her, but she was gone.
Looking back, maybe that dream was some kind of sign.
Because one week later…
We broke up.
Ever since then, I’ve been completely unstable.
My heart won’t settle.
But there was one point inside me— one tiny place— that never wavered. It kept whispering:
“Go. You want to go, don’t you?”
I told only my mother I was leaving.
I grabbed my international license, passport, a few changes of clothes, a couple of credit cards— and I just bolted.
Totally impulsive.
Somehow I managed to get a plane ticket.
A few days ago, I rented a bike in Las Vegas.
I rode along Highway 93, 40, and 17.
The Arizona wind felt unbelievably good.
I let my bike carry me wherever it wanted, and before I knew it—
I was in New Mexico.
The sky is a deep, endless blue.
Around the same time, I lost my girlfriend and my job.
I even gave up the apartment we shared.
Since the breakup, I’ve been living like I’m not really here.
I don’t know if I’m alive or dead.
I keep drifting to places we used to visit.
I chase after her without realizing it.
When I see someone with a similar silhouette, my heart jumps and I run toward them.
“Was this all just a prank? I’m sorry. Let’s start over. Let’s build a family together.”
I mean, I know what’s real.
But I was completely trapped in the past.
I could only live inside memories.
All I could do was chase what I’d lost.
In the evenings, I drank until I blacked out.
Someone told me spicy food gives you energy, so I went out for Mexican food…
Whenever I had time, I wandered through places full of memories. Even though I knew I could never get her back, I kept chasing the version of her in my mind.
Healing a heart isn’t easy.
It doesn’t “fix” quickly. (You can’t just send it in for repairs…) Memories can be a burden— a heavy one.
Every time I remembered her, it hurt.
Whenever I got drunk, I cried.
I’d suddenly notice my face was soaked.
“Huh? Why is my face wet…?”
Tears.
Endless tears.
I couldn’t stop crying.
My heart was shattered into pieces.
Can this even be repaired?
No matter how much I drank, I couldn’t forget.
Is there anything more painful than this?
Someone rewind time for me. Please…
・・・・・・・
Right now, I’m in New Mexico.
The freeway wind feels incredible.
Like it could wash everything away. I became completely empty, just letting my bike run wherever it wanted.
“Hey, feels good, doesn’t it? I love horses too. It’s the best feeling.”
(…What?)
“Riding a horse… Just that alone feels amazing. Ever wonder why?”
To my left— What the… An Indian warrior on horseback is running alongside me. He’s smiling mischievously at me.
“Finally, we meet. How is it? Feels good to be back on the land, right?”
(Who is this guy… Have I met him before?)
“You won’t believe it, but simply put— I am you, and you are me.”
(Huh!? What does that even mean!?)
Come to think of it, even though this is my first time in New Mexico, I’ve been feeling this strange nostalgia.
“Hahaha. Can you understand it? It’s funny. Even after being reborn, your tastes stay the same.”
(My tastes…?)
“You still do leathercraft, right?”
(How does he know that…?)
“You learned it all on your own, and now you can even make bags.”
(Why does he know that too…?)
“I loved it too. Beads, deer bone— I loved crafting things to match leather.”
(…)
“You inherited that perfectly! Hahaha! He granted my wish.”
(He? …Well, I can’t work with beads or bone, but yeah, I love leathercraft. I make bags, cases, all kinds of stuff.)
“You ever have a dream where you felt a strong impact on the back of your head?”
(I remember that dream clearly…)
“That was my end. A white man shot me in the back of the head. They were destroying this sacred land. We couldn’t take it anymore. Warriors from many tribes rose up to stop them. Sadly, some tribes sided with the whites.”
(I’ll never forget that dream. My head was throbbing even after I woke up.)
“Now you understand, right? I’m your past life.”
(Seriously!? Is that even possible!?)
“I feel your joy and sadness. We share everything. And… You’re about to face trials. Enjoy this journey with all your heart. Your real trials begin once you return to Japan. I already know how it ends.”
(Oh man… Please tell me the ending…)
“Hahaha! I can’t do that. But you inherited the DNA of a noble warrior. You’ll be fine. Absolutely fine.”
(Come on… Please tell me…)
“This journey will change your life from the ground up. Enjoy it. Don’t think about anything else. Many people will help you along the way. Keep your honest heart and your smile. When you return to Japan, you’ll soon meet your lifelong partner. A horse-like companion— someone who will always stay by your side, bring you friends, and guide you for the rest of your life.”
(That’s… incredible…)
My partner for this journey.
“I am always with you. Never forget that.”
—to be continued.
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